It is not unusual for an adult like myself to figure out that he has ASD. I will tell you that I am glad that I finally know that I have it. I have always wondered why I was different growing up but never knew why. I know why now and the question now becomes, why did it take so long?
The first reason is that it hasn't been diagnosable for a very long time. My understanding is that the diagnostic criteria for ASD didn't come up until 1992. In one article I read, it wasn't until 1994. Regardless, I was a university student at that time. In an earlier post I talked about how ASD can often look like ADD or ADHD. This is understandable, the Asperger expert, Tony Attwood, suggests that ADD exists in 75 percent of people who have ASD.
Without proper diagnostic criteria available, it is impossible to figure out what is going on. There are so many things that I look back on growing up and I often wonder how things would have turned out if I knew why and how I was different. I didn't know how I was different, so I often made mistakes in social situations. I now aware of the myriad of social errors that I make and tend to repeat over and over again. I can adjust and plan ahead what I will say. I avoid answering questions literally. I try not to talk about myself and my own interests, which is really difficult. I try very hard to not repeat social errors based on my own past mistakes. A good example of that is to avoid answering the question "How are you?" literally. No one cares about how my foot is. No one cares that you are stressed about driving on the highway in the snow. My answer to the question now is "It's the best day of my life!" I have learned to lie, and it makes it easier to maintain the conversation. I get better results with that response. Sadly, I didn't learn this until I was 37. I wish I learned it when I was 5. That is the key difference between an NT and someone who has ASD. The NT will learn this rule intuitively, I learned it by reading the rules. Another thing that is worth mention here is that the answer "It's the best day of my life!" is not even mine. It is an answer that I copied from someone I deemed to be very good a social conversation. So I copied it. This 'imitation' of another person is a technique that I use to improve my social skills. I know "Person A" is really good at conversation. I know that "Person A" is popular among his peers. What does "Person A" do that I don't. Oh yes, I get it. When someone asks "Person A", "How are you?", he always responds by saying that it is the best day of his life. I would like to be perceived by my peers like "Person A" so now that is my answer as well.
Apart from the diagnostic criteria for ASD not being available to doctors until I was in university, I have had another difficulty with figuring out why I was different as well. I grew up in Norway but moved to Canada when I was six. There was a language change that happened when I was very young. I remember sitting in my grade 1 class in Canada, not knowing a word of English. The kids in the class would put up their hands to answer the teacher's questions, so I did too. Of course, I had no idea what the teacher was asking. Once I was embarrassed because she had asked me what the answer was and I just sat there dumbfounded. I didn't know the language. I did learn English fairly fast my parents tell me. By about halfway through the school year I was fluent, but I always had a great deal of difficulty with reading.
I need to digress just a little bit. I remember my teacher's name as Mrs. Bailey. She was in her last year as a teacher before her retirement. My guess is that she was 64 years old when she was teaching me. She would be about 94-95 as I am writing this tonight. I hope that she is doing well.
My mother has for the longest time rejected my ASD. I think it is something that she is embarrassed about. The image that your child isn't 'normal' doesn't sit with her very well. Her response to my diagnosis is guarded, like she doesn't believe it. There is absolutely no blame on my parents at all. I will talk about my birth in another post. It is necessary to emphasize that there is nothing wrong with how my parents raised me that makes me what I am today. She has become more accepting of my 'ASD' now, but at first she did not want to believe it. She would say things like "You're social, you get along with people around you." I would say "It's an act, it's not natural, I have to pretend so I can appear to be social. The reality is that I would rather be by myself almost all of the time." I would point out how I answer questions literally, ie.. 'how are you?" My mother would say that that is a culture thing, you always answer that question like that in Norway, and you are Norwegian. Well, I grew up in Canada, so that doesn't really make sense. I seem to be able to refute my mother's arguments that I do not have 'ASD' quite easily every time.
It is easier to see the arguments that I have ASD when I list them. Here they are.
1. I tend to answer questions that are meant to be non-literal, literally.
2. I imitate the social behaviors of my 'successful' peers rather than react intuitively on my own.
3. I have had to learn social 'rules' rather than just naturally pick them up through practice.
4. My reading comprehension while going through school was far behind my peers of equal age.
My mother's arguments against my ASD are not sound. She has recently come to accept my ASD.
1. That I grew up in a different culture.
2. My reading comprehension was low because I didn't know English very well.
3. I do get along with people around me. (no doubt my compensatory behaviours did fool her)
There is one thing that I learned that should be number 5 on my list. I learned a new language when I was young. This by itself is not that spectacular. However one side effect of having ASD is that you are very good at 'imitation' of new languages. I do not speak English with an accent like some of my family members. This by itself doesn't mean that I have ASD, it's just one more piece of the puzzle and I definitely I have complete puzzle. There are things about Norwegian people speaking English that definitely make them sound like English is not their native language. I speak English as if it is my native language, and it is not. I do not make the mistakes typical Norwegians make when they say things like. "I went to the store to buy three things." ie. "I went to de store to buy tree tings." Completely different. I also make the common errors that English speaking people make when referring to Norwegian things. For example, I say the capital of Norway is "Oslo" (Ahz-low) and there are couple of Norse Gods named "Odin" and "Thor." If I were to say them as a Norwegian, I would say that the capital of Norway is "Uslew" and the gods are "Ewdin" and "Tuer". Thor sounds like the number '2' with an 'r' on the end. Oslo with the 'ew' sound of the number '2' but the opening syllable rhymes with "bush."
I think the key is that I can use imitation in more than one way. I will imitate my socially acceptable peers in order to appear normal. Maybe I should try acting? I can also imitate the proper pronunciation of my second language (English) as if it was my first language. So well that I will often mispronounce the common words of my first language as if it was my second.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Asperger's is Trendy, not Sexy.
I want to settle the score a little bit today and talk about the absolute truth about some of the bad things that happen with Asperger's syndrome. One of the things that made my discovery of Asperger's syndrome easy was the fact that it is everywhere now. It is in the social media a lot. When I was growing up, I didn't know what it was because it wasn't in the social media. Here is a short list that I have come up with.
Movies:
1. Temple Grandin
2. Mozart and the Whale
3. Adam
TV Shows:
1. Bones
2. Criminal Minds
3. Big Bang Theory
All of these shows have a character that has Asperger's Syndrome. My wife tells me that the character 'Sheldon Cooper' in 'Big Bang Theory' is based on someone who has AS. The writers never will put it into the show because that would ruin the comedic elements and perhaps possible be offensive to people who have AS. I think the show is hilarious and I am not offended by it at all. It is very easy to see the AS elements in the fictitious character, Sheldon Cooper.
By far, the most accurate representation of someone who has AS is in the movie "Adam." It was the first movie I watched with my wife after my discovery of my own AS. At the end of the movie, I asked my wife what she thought. I had said to her that I enjoyed the movie, but Hugh Dancy was definitely over acting some parts. My wife assures me that he was not. His portrayal is not over the top at all. At a blow to my ego, I now totally agree with her.
The point I want to make in today's post is that just because AS has made it into the social media like it has recently doesn't mean it is sexy. There is a scene in the movie 'Adam' where Adam finds out that his girlfriend had lied to him about setting up his first meeting with her parents. People with AS, people like me, do not like to meet new people. The result of Adam's discovery about the lie leads him to absolutely freak out. I thought for sure that this scene in the movie was over acted and not true to the symptoms of AS. It is not. It is highly accurate. It is not sexy.
So back to the point that I am making. There are a lot of portrayals of AS in the social media that seems to make AS sexy. I do not want to use faulty logic and say because of it's portrayal in shows like "Criminal Minds" doesn't mean that it makes 'me' sexy. My wife reminded me of this point today before heading off to work. She says that I tend to over emphasize the good points and gloss over the bad points. There are times that I have reacted to absolute minor things, such as that scene in the movie "Adam," and perhaps under reported the body language that I use with my wife. For example in my last post, I talked about how our shower curtain fell down. I was so frustrated with everything about it. The yelling and foot stomping that occurred after that was way over the top. It is not normal, it is an over reaction. It is not sexy. It is something I find very difficult to stop from doing. It is very childlike. Think about what a child's tantrum is like that, that is my reaction to very minor things as a 37 year old man. I feel so ashamed after the fact, all of the time.
My wife has told me that the divorce rate between someone with AS and someone who is neurotypical is about 80-90 percent. That is the situation between my wife and I. We got married before we knew about my AS. So, we obviously have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of work to do. We will be married for 12 years this year and we have a pact to try to make it work despite what the statistics say. I think it is too easy for people to get a divorce these days. Some of the things that I do is to try to suppress my natural inclinations. I do this by learning the differences between what I do and what neurotypical people do. I try to go out more often, engage in more social events. Recognizing my AS has helped me to understand the why behind the stress I face in social situations. It is not an excuse for me to not go to them. My wife is a social butterfly. It's one of the aspects that I love about her. She glide gracefully from one conversation to another conversation with absolute ease. She is a virtuoso of making the people around her feel absolutely great. This is the absolute opposite of how I perceive myself to be around people in social situations. People tend to walk away. My wife is an expert at saving me from situations that I have made uncomfortable. Being honest about the AS has made a big difference. I think that makes the divorce rate perhaps go down. Knowing the truth, being honest about what your strengths and weaknesses. I realize that if I misrepresent myself, I won't have a chance, and neither will my marriage. The truth is everything. The truth is that a lot of the time, there is nothing sexy about having Asperger's syndrome.
Movies:
1. Temple Grandin
2. Mozart and the Whale
3. Adam
TV Shows:
1. Bones
2. Criminal Minds
3. Big Bang Theory
All of these shows have a character that has Asperger's Syndrome. My wife tells me that the character 'Sheldon Cooper' in 'Big Bang Theory' is based on someone who has AS. The writers never will put it into the show because that would ruin the comedic elements and perhaps possible be offensive to people who have AS. I think the show is hilarious and I am not offended by it at all. It is very easy to see the AS elements in the fictitious character, Sheldon Cooper.
By far, the most accurate representation of someone who has AS is in the movie "Adam." It was the first movie I watched with my wife after my discovery of my own AS. At the end of the movie, I asked my wife what she thought. I had said to her that I enjoyed the movie, but Hugh Dancy was definitely over acting some parts. My wife assures me that he was not. His portrayal is not over the top at all. At a blow to my ego, I now totally agree with her.
The point I want to make in today's post is that just because AS has made it into the social media like it has recently doesn't mean it is sexy. There is a scene in the movie 'Adam' where Adam finds out that his girlfriend had lied to him about setting up his first meeting with her parents. People with AS, people like me, do not like to meet new people. The result of Adam's discovery about the lie leads him to absolutely freak out. I thought for sure that this scene in the movie was over acted and not true to the symptoms of AS. It is not. It is highly accurate. It is not sexy.
So back to the point that I am making. There are a lot of portrayals of AS in the social media that seems to make AS sexy. I do not want to use faulty logic and say because of it's portrayal in shows like "Criminal Minds" doesn't mean that it makes 'me' sexy. My wife reminded me of this point today before heading off to work. She says that I tend to over emphasize the good points and gloss over the bad points. There are times that I have reacted to absolute minor things, such as that scene in the movie "Adam," and perhaps under reported the body language that I use with my wife. For example in my last post, I talked about how our shower curtain fell down. I was so frustrated with everything about it. The yelling and foot stomping that occurred after that was way over the top. It is not normal, it is an over reaction. It is not sexy. It is something I find very difficult to stop from doing. It is very childlike. Think about what a child's tantrum is like that, that is my reaction to very minor things as a 37 year old man. I feel so ashamed after the fact, all of the time.
My wife has told me that the divorce rate between someone with AS and someone who is neurotypical is about 80-90 percent. That is the situation between my wife and I. We got married before we knew about my AS. So, we obviously have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of work to do. We will be married for 12 years this year and we have a pact to try to make it work despite what the statistics say. I think it is too easy for people to get a divorce these days. Some of the things that I do is to try to suppress my natural inclinations. I do this by learning the differences between what I do and what neurotypical people do. I try to go out more often, engage in more social events. Recognizing my AS has helped me to understand the why behind the stress I face in social situations. It is not an excuse for me to not go to them. My wife is a social butterfly. It's one of the aspects that I love about her. She glide gracefully from one conversation to another conversation with absolute ease. She is a virtuoso of making the people around her feel absolutely great. This is the absolute opposite of how I perceive myself to be around people in social situations. People tend to walk away. My wife is an expert at saving me from situations that I have made uncomfortable. Being honest about the AS has made a big difference. I think that makes the divorce rate perhaps go down. Knowing the truth, being honest about what your strengths and weaknesses. I realize that if I misrepresent myself, I won't have a chance, and neither will my marriage. The truth is everything. The truth is that a lot of the time, there is nothing sexy about having Asperger's syndrome.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Special or Obsessive Interests. Part 1
Today I would like to talk about the one the most important factors about what it is like to have AS. Back when I was young, the term AS did not even exist which is part of the reason why I didn't know that I have had it my whole life. I knew I was different, but I didn't know why or how. As I was gathering as much information about AS as I could, there was one thing that struck me immediately. That, of course, are special or obsessive interests.
I can remember that my first special interest was Dungeons and Dragons. It was a time when video games weren't available. I used to read the rules and I can still remember all the attributes that the characters had. Each character would have a value attributed to strength, intelligence, wisdom, dexterity, constitution and charisma. You would roll three six sided dice to determine the value of each and it would determine how your character would react in any role playing situation. I also remember in one of my rule books there was a system devised where you can basically make a dungeon and come up with your own little world based on some dice rolls that you made as you go. I loved it and I would play it for hours and hours killing away the day. It was a way for me to make a world where I would be popular and powerful, the opposite of what the real world reality was for me.
As I went from elementary school to junior high school a new interest emerged. I didn't want to join the band in junior high school because I knew that I would eventually have to perform on stage. I can't stand being on stage and I knew that I would not enjoy it. However, I forced into it because I did not have enough space to fill out my options with what I wanted to take. So band it was and I started on the euphonium. By grade nine I was playing the tuba. I remember it vividly today when I was first exposed to classical music. I was in grade eight when we were rehearsing a horrendous version of Beethoven's "Pathetique Sonata" arranged for band. I loved it, and then I realized that I loved Bach as well. I remember pressuring my dad to take me to the music store, A&A records and tapes, and while he was looking through the tapes at classic rock albums, I was in the classical section trying to figure out what my first album would be. The first classical music album I got was called "Bach's Greatest Hits." The second album I got maybe a week later was a Canadian Brass tape called "The Art of Fugue." So when I was in grade eight, about 13 years old, my favourite and only type of music that I would listen to became Bach. This was at the time when "DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince" had a very popular song out called "Parents Just don't Understand." Anyways, it is interesting to think about it now. Back in junior high and high school, I seemed to be interested in things that would be put on the edge of the social hierarchy. It's hard to be popular when you play the tuba and listen to classical music, when everyone else is out dating and listening to "Metallica" and smoking pot.
It is interesting to note that my interest in classical music and playing the tuba wasn't something that took up my free time. It was not as if I had a spare hour here and there where I would just fill it with practicing or listening to my growing tape collection. It basically saturated all my time and if I was given and opportunity, I would blab on and on about it, not realizing that the people around me would quickly grow tired of what I was saying about it. I remember, I would start memorizing where all the tuba solos were in the pieces of music that I was listening to. I would listen to the same piece continuously throughout the entire day on my Walkman. I would never get tired of it. In fact, if I had to stop devoting time to my interest, I would get extremely irritable.
In high school I knew that I had made a decision that I would eventually want to be a professional tuba player in an orchestra. In an earlier post about clumsiness, I figured out that even though I spent as much time as possible to practicing, the reality of succeeding at this goal was extremely low. There were other factors that I will talk about in another post, but in my mind based on the information that I knew, the honest reality was that I was not good enough. It was extremely stressful. I knew by then also that I had no interest in teaching because I had had some particularly bad experiences with it. I couldn't quite figure out why, but I had a difficult time dealing with younger kids when I was trying to teach them how to play there instruments. As the principal tuba player in my second year of university in our ensemble, we would be expected to do clinics for junior high and high school children. Basically we would get paid to help the kids learn the fingerings of there instruments and demonstrate proper player technique so that they could sound better playing in there junior high, or high school band. I hated it so much, I could never really express what needed to be said in order for the students to understand what I meant. There was no connection. This was the opposite of what it was like when I was being taught by own mentor. Even though I had a lot more knowledge than any of the students that I had ever taught, I was unable to transfer that knowledge in any meaningful way.
After I got my degree in music composition I was so stress out. I haven't written anything. I was thankful that that part of my life was done. Since my discovery of AS I have had a lot of grief about what I have done since University. Most people go to school, get their degree, and then plan to move and work in the industry that they studied in. This is not the case with me. My discovery of my own AS has changed that a little bit. I now am getting back into composing. I have this great idea for a solo percussionist that I can visualize very accurately. I am now composing it for me. If no one performs it, that is okay. The piece although, not complete yet, will be about twenty minutes long and because I am not writing it for an project at university, it can be whatever I want. Since there is no pressure, I am hoping this will allow me to actually write it. I have been procrastinating even though I do think about it everyday.
It is clear that I can blog about my interests for quite some time. There may have to be more parts to this post. One of the things that made me think that I may not have AS was the fact that my special interest did change over time. I went from "Dungeons and Dragons" to "Classical Music" to other interests and then back again. In another post, I will talk about why they change, why they are part of AS. What makes my interests different then the interests a Neurotypical person would have.
I can remember that my first special interest was Dungeons and Dragons. It was a time when video games weren't available. I used to read the rules and I can still remember all the attributes that the characters had. Each character would have a value attributed to strength, intelligence, wisdom, dexterity, constitution and charisma. You would roll three six sided dice to determine the value of each and it would determine how your character would react in any role playing situation. I also remember in one of my rule books there was a system devised where you can basically make a dungeon and come up with your own little world based on some dice rolls that you made as you go. I loved it and I would play it for hours and hours killing away the day. It was a way for me to make a world where I would be popular and powerful, the opposite of what the real world reality was for me.
As I went from elementary school to junior high school a new interest emerged. I didn't want to join the band in junior high school because I knew that I would eventually have to perform on stage. I can't stand being on stage and I knew that I would not enjoy it. However, I forced into it because I did not have enough space to fill out my options with what I wanted to take. So band it was and I started on the euphonium. By grade nine I was playing the tuba. I remember it vividly today when I was first exposed to classical music. I was in grade eight when we were rehearsing a horrendous version of Beethoven's "Pathetique Sonata" arranged for band. I loved it, and then I realized that I loved Bach as well. I remember pressuring my dad to take me to the music store, A&A records and tapes, and while he was looking through the tapes at classic rock albums, I was in the classical section trying to figure out what my first album would be. The first classical music album I got was called "Bach's Greatest Hits." The second album I got maybe a week later was a Canadian Brass tape called "The Art of Fugue." So when I was in grade eight, about 13 years old, my favourite and only type of music that I would listen to became Bach. This was at the time when "DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince" had a very popular song out called "Parents Just don't Understand." Anyways, it is interesting to think about it now. Back in junior high and high school, I seemed to be interested in things that would be put on the edge of the social hierarchy. It's hard to be popular when you play the tuba and listen to classical music, when everyone else is out dating and listening to "Metallica" and smoking pot.
It is interesting to note that my interest in classical music and playing the tuba wasn't something that took up my free time. It was not as if I had a spare hour here and there where I would just fill it with practicing or listening to my growing tape collection. It basically saturated all my time and if I was given and opportunity, I would blab on and on about it, not realizing that the people around me would quickly grow tired of what I was saying about it. I remember, I would start memorizing where all the tuba solos were in the pieces of music that I was listening to. I would listen to the same piece continuously throughout the entire day on my Walkman. I would never get tired of it. In fact, if I had to stop devoting time to my interest, I would get extremely irritable.
In high school I knew that I had made a decision that I would eventually want to be a professional tuba player in an orchestra. In an earlier post about clumsiness, I figured out that even though I spent as much time as possible to practicing, the reality of succeeding at this goal was extremely low. There were other factors that I will talk about in another post, but in my mind based on the information that I knew, the honest reality was that I was not good enough. It was extremely stressful. I knew by then also that I had no interest in teaching because I had had some particularly bad experiences with it. I couldn't quite figure out why, but I had a difficult time dealing with younger kids when I was trying to teach them how to play there instruments. As the principal tuba player in my second year of university in our ensemble, we would be expected to do clinics for junior high and high school children. Basically we would get paid to help the kids learn the fingerings of there instruments and demonstrate proper player technique so that they could sound better playing in there junior high, or high school band. I hated it so much, I could never really express what needed to be said in order for the students to understand what I meant. There was no connection. This was the opposite of what it was like when I was being taught by own mentor. Even though I had a lot more knowledge than any of the students that I had ever taught, I was unable to transfer that knowledge in any meaningful way.
After I got my degree in music composition I was so stress out. I haven't written anything. I was thankful that that part of my life was done. Since my discovery of AS I have had a lot of grief about what I have done since University. Most people go to school, get their degree, and then plan to move and work in the industry that they studied in. This is not the case with me. My discovery of my own AS has changed that a little bit. I now am getting back into composing. I have this great idea for a solo percussionist that I can visualize very accurately. I am now composing it for me. If no one performs it, that is okay. The piece although, not complete yet, will be about twenty minutes long and because I am not writing it for an project at university, it can be whatever I want. Since there is no pressure, I am hoping this will allow me to actually write it. I have been procrastinating even though I do think about it everyday.
It is clear that I can blog about my interests for quite some time. There may have to be more parts to this post. One of the things that made me think that I may not have AS was the fact that my special interest did change over time. I went from "Dungeons and Dragons" to "Classical Music" to other interests and then back again. In another post, I will talk about why they change, why they are part of AS. What makes my interests different then the interests a Neurotypical person would have.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Overreaction, No reaction, Opposite Reaction, and Delayed Reaction.
This post I will talk about the different types of reactions that I have in everyday conversation. The first one is the classic overreaction.
Overreaction
I think it stems from trying to attain a sense of calm and predictability with any particular tasks that I have to perform during the day. I need to have a routine and I need to know what my duties are throughout the the day. I do not like surprises. I find that my stress level goes way up when I have to deal with sudden change. Today was a perfect example when my shower curtain fell down. My wife and I had to replace the shower curtain last week and this involved a trip the store to get a new one. I absolutely hate going shopping but I did go and we did find a new shower rod, the one that fell down today. It was one of those spring rods that are easy to put up, but it just doesn't have enough spring to hold up our shower curtain. This is what is frustrating about it exactly. We spent time and money to get the shower rod. It is brand new and should operate as advertised, that is what we bought isn't it? I spent time putting it up with my clumsy hands. When it fell down while I was stepping out of the shower this morning all of those thoughts went through my head. It pissed me off and when I went downstairs my wife was the unfortunate recipient of my colossal rant. I said things like "Why did you have to add the cover, it can't support the weight?" "It's so frustrating, we buy something that is brand new, and it doesn't work!!!?" "Why the fuck doesn't it work?" "It should work!" The anger comes from me realizing that I have to go through the whole process all over again, finding a new shower rod, paying for it, putting it up again, spending time away from other more interesting things that I could be doing.
My wife bears the brunt of this kind of stuff all the time. I am absolutely ashamed by it. It isn't normal to have such a visceral reaction to such a small incidental thing. People replace stuff like this and perform maintenance on their homes all the time. For me, taking care of my home is not the top of my list. Having a routine is, and this disturbed my routine. Nevertheless, do I think I have the right to talk to my wife like that. Definitely not. There is nothing sexy about having a hissy fit about stuff like that. It demeans my wife and I sometimes wonder what it is that makes her stay. With AS I understand that sudden changes in daily routine can form a great deal of stress and because I find it hard to express myself verbally, I overreact or perhaps even have what is known as a meltdown. I have always told my wife to call me on such stupid behavior, and I am always deeply apologetic afterwards. I cried on my drive to work today because I feel that I can't stop myself from reacting this way. I called her when I was at work and apologized profusely, and she accept my apology. I reminded her that she should always "correct" me on such behaviour and that she has no reason to be afraid of me. I told her that I knew I was wrong and that I have no right to make her feel upset or fearful of me. Knowing that I have Asperger's Syndrome helps me understand why I react like that, but it will never be an excuse to act like that. I have the ability to think and reacted logically to this kind of stress.
No Reaction.
OK, this one is a little less embarrassing to talk about. Even though it is still not good, in my view it isn't nearly as bad as the yelling, heavy breathing, jumping up and down that happens while overreacting to something as simple as a change in routine. For me, the "No reaction" response almost always happens when I am deeply focused on something and I am interrupted. I can focus on one thing for an extremely long period of time and I get frustrated when it comes to an end. I will talk about special and obsessive interests in another post. My wife gets really frustrated with me when my time comes to an end our time is about to begin. We are married and we love each other, and we do need to spend time together. So what happens is that I am doing something on the Internet, playing a game, listening to something, and instead of responding to her request for attention, usually something like "Can you go get the movie in the DVD player?" I would ignore it. I just continue to do what I am doing and know that I will perform my wife's request in a minute. But I don't say anything. I have no reaction. She hates, and I can understand why. She has let me have my time, whether because she was at work or it was something else, like the night when we do our own thing. She tells me that when I don't answer her, it is my body language that is the most annoying to her. I can't hide my frustration about being interrupted. Just like the classic overreaction, I am ashamed of this type of behavior, and I have improved a lot in this since I have become aware of my AS. In this case, AS is not an excuse for this behavior, I am aware that I do the behavior. My AS merely lets me understand why I do the behaviour. It is definitely not that I want to ignore my wife, not respond to her, not spend time with her. I love her and I enjoy spending time with her. I think that it has more to do with the interruption of my interest. I find it very hard to refocus my thoughts on something after being interrupted, and it is very difficult for me to focus on more than one thing at a time. I always want to only focus on one thing at a time.
Opposite Reaction.
Unlike the "Overreaction" and the "No Reaction" responses, I feel this one is a little less in my control. Perhaps 50/50. I have a classic opposite reaction from my past that happened before I even met my wife. It involves the classic "Girl that got away" scenario. Although I wasn't aware of my AS at the time it seems to fit spot on. I had always admired her, and I had always wanted to ask her out. Other aspects of AS made this impossible for me, fear of rejection, failure. That kind of thing. The day she told me that someone asked her to marry her was devastating to me. I mean, of course this was devastating to me, but my reaction was to try to express happiness for her. This is definitely a forced response, but my fear was that I would say something that make me look stupid. I mean, she is getting married, the last thing I want to show is jealousy, and so I overcompensate and show happiness. I acted happy and I displayed happiness. A perfect example of acting the opposite of what I actually felt.
Life goes on and I did eventually meet a beautiful woman and I did marry her. My wife puts up with a lot of bad stuff from me, but fortunately, I think she gets a lot of good stuff as well to balance it out.
Delayed Reaction.
This reaction is definitely because of my AS. I have no doubt about that. It happens when I am engaged in conversation with someone and I am just trying to sell myself as neurotypical. The irony of course is that when you have a delayed reaction to basic questions that often occur during small talk it appears to be anything but neurotypical. The reasoning for this lies between the difference between intuitive thinking and non-intuitive thinking. Using your intellect to come up with an answer to a question like "How are you?" is a lot slower than using your intuition. I have talked about the difference between the two ways of thinking in my post about nonreciprocating conversation. Rehearsal of typical answers to common questions is a compensatory tool that I use to avoid the delayed reaction response. I also imitate the answers that I hear other "popular" neurotypical use in everyday smalltalk situations. I basically lie. For example, my favourite answer to "How are you?" "It's the best day of my life!"
The delayed reaction creeps up often when I am under a lot of stress. Job interviews come to mind. Sometimes I have even asked for time to think to very basic questions. This of course would look very odd to the interviewer. I am not very good at selling myself in a job interview, I absolutely hate them.
Throughout this post I have used AS as the initials for Asperger's Syndrome. Sometimes it would be accurate based on what I have written today that they can also stand for Asshole. I will reiterate that I believe that AS can provide an understanding to why I react the way I do in certain situations. It is not however an excuse. I do have to get better.
For an example of a good overreaction check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jyCfRHumHU
Overreaction
I think it stems from trying to attain a sense of calm and predictability with any particular tasks that I have to perform during the day. I need to have a routine and I need to know what my duties are throughout the the day. I do not like surprises. I find that my stress level goes way up when I have to deal with sudden change. Today was a perfect example when my shower curtain fell down. My wife and I had to replace the shower curtain last week and this involved a trip the store to get a new one. I absolutely hate going shopping but I did go and we did find a new shower rod, the one that fell down today. It was one of those spring rods that are easy to put up, but it just doesn't have enough spring to hold up our shower curtain. This is what is frustrating about it exactly. We spent time and money to get the shower rod. It is brand new and should operate as advertised, that is what we bought isn't it? I spent time putting it up with my clumsy hands. When it fell down while I was stepping out of the shower this morning all of those thoughts went through my head. It pissed me off and when I went downstairs my wife was the unfortunate recipient of my colossal rant. I said things like "Why did you have to add the cover, it can't support the weight?" "It's so frustrating, we buy something that is brand new, and it doesn't work!!!?" "Why the fuck doesn't it work?" "It should work!" The anger comes from me realizing that I have to go through the whole process all over again, finding a new shower rod, paying for it, putting it up again, spending time away from other more interesting things that I could be doing.
My wife bears the brunt of this kind of stuff all the time. I am absolutely ashamed by it. It isn't normal to have such a visceral reaction to such a small incidental thing. People replace stuff like this and perform maintenance on their homes all the time. For me, taking care of my home is not the top of my list. Having a routine is, and this disturbed my routine. Nevertheless, do I think I have the right to talk to my wife like that. Definitely not. There is nothing sexy about having a hissy fit about stuff like that. It demeans my wife and I sometimes wonder what it is that makes her stay. With AS I understand that sudden changes in daily routine can form a great deal of stress and because I find it hard to express myself verbally, I overreact or perhaps even have what is known as a meltdown. I have always told my wife to call me on such stupid behavior, and I am always deeply apologetic afterwards. I cried on my drive to work today because I feel that I can't stop myself from reacting this way. I called her when I was at work and apologized profusely, and she accept my apology. I reminded her that she should always "correct" me on such behaviour and that she has no reason to be afraid of me. I told her that I knew I was wrong and that I have no right to make her feel upset or fearful of me. Knowing that I have Asperger's Syndrome helps me understand why I react like that, but it will never be an excuse to act like that. I have the ability to think and reacted logically to this kind of stress.
No Reaction.
OK, this one is a little less embarrassing to talk about. Even though it is still not good, in my view it isn't nearly as bad as the yelling, heavy breathing, jumping up and down that happens while overreacting to something as simple as a change in routine. For me, the "No reaction" response almost always happens when I am deeply focused on something and I am interrupted. I can focus on one thing for an extremely long period of time and I get frustrated when it comes to an end. I will talk about special and obsessive interests in another post. My wife gets really frustrated with me when my time comes to an end our time is about to begin. We are married and we love each other, and we do need to spend time together. So what happens is that I am doing something on the Internet, playing a game, listening to something, and instead of responding to her request for attention, usually something like "Can you go get the movie in the DVD player?" I would ignore it. I just continue to do what I am doing and know that I will perform my wife's request in a minute. But I don't say anything. I have no reaction. She hates, and I can understand why. She has let me have my time, whether because she was at work or it was something else, like the night when we do our own thing. She tells me that when I don't answer her, it is my body language that is the most annoying to her. I can't hide my frustration about being interrupted. Just like the classic overreaction, I am ashamed of this type of behavior, and I have improved a lot in this since I have become aware of my AS. In this case, AS is not an excuse for this behavior, I am aware that I do the behavior. My AS merely lets me understand why I do the behaviour. It is definitely not that I want to ignore my wife, not respond to her, not spend time with her. I love her and I enjoy spending time with her. I think that it has more to do with the interruption of my interest. I find it very hard to refocus my thoughts on something after being interrupted, and it is very difficult for me to focus on more than one thing at a time. I always want to only focus on one thing at a time.
Opposite Reaction.
Unlike the "Overreaction" and the "No Reaction" responses, I feel this one is a little less in my control. Perhaps 50/50. I have a classic opposite reaction from my past that happened before I even met my wife. It involves the classic "Girl that got away" scenario. Although I wasn't aware of my AS at the time it seems to fit spot on. I had always admired her, and I had always wanted to ask her out. Other aspects of AS made this impossible for me, fear of rejection, failure. That kind of thing. The day she told me that someone asked her to marry her was devastating to me. I mean, of course this was devastating to me, but my reaction was to try to express happiness for her. This is definitely a forced response, but my fear was that I would say something that make me look stupid. I mean, she is getting married, the last thing I want to show is jealousy, and so I overcompensate and show happiness. I acted happy and I displayed happiness. A perfect example of acting the opposite of what I actually felt.
Life goes on and I did eventually meet a beautiful woman and I did marry her. My wife puts up with a lot of bad stuff from me, but fortunately, I think she gets a lot of good stuff as well to balance it out.
Delayed Reaction.
This reaction is definitely because of my AS. I have no doubt about that. It happens when I am engaged in conversation with someone and I am just trying to sell myself as neurotypical. The irony of course is that when you have a delayed reaction to basic questions that often occur during small talk it appears to be anything but neurotypical. The reasoning for this lies between the difference between intuitive thinking and non-intuitive thinking. Using your intellect to come up with an answer to a question like "How are you?" is a lot slower than using your intuition. I have talked about the difference between the two ways of thinking in my post about nonreciprocating conversation. Rehearsal of typical answers to common questions is a compensatory tool that I use to avoid the delayed reaction response. I also imitate the answers that I hear other "popular" neurotypical use in everyday smalltalk situations. I basically lie. For example, my favourite answer to "How are you?" "It's the best day of my life!"
The delayed reaction creeps up often when I am under a lot of stress. Job interviews come to mind. Sometimes I have even asked for time to think to very basic questions. This of course would look very odd to the interviewer. I am not very good at selling myself in a job interview, I absolutely hate them.
Throughout this post I have used AS as the initials for Asperger's Syndrome. Sometimes it would be accurate based on what I have written today that they can also stand for Asshole. I will reiterate that I believe that AS can provide an understanding to why I react the way I do in certain situations. It is not however an excuse. I do have to get better.
For an example of a good overreaction check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jyCfRHumHU
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Lack of Coordination and Overall Clumsiness.
So I am trying to understand why I am different and this requires me to try to obtain as much information as possible. The internet wasn't around when I was young, I couldn't look up things I wanted to learn about as easily as it is today. I know I have AS so I just am obsessed with finding out as much information as I can about it. Not all of the things about AS has to do directly with how I communicate with the people around me. I determined that I had AS basically because I know I can't seem to understand what the intent of other people are while I communicate with them. I don't understand how the emotions that they express with their faces synchronize with what they are saying. I am blind to non-verbal communication. This is something I will talk about in depth in another post. Today I would like to talk about something that surprised me about people with AS that doesn't apply directly to communication. When I read about it in "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood, I knew immediately that it applied to me as well.
What I am talking about is my lack of coordination and overall clumsiness. It is almost as if I can't make hands do what I want them to do when I need to manipulate small things. Tasks that I find extremely difficult look so easy when I watch others do them. Things like tying my shoelaces, using a drill to put a screw in the wall to hang up a picture, changing my daughter's diaper and buttoning up a shirt (wrists especially). I have throughout my entire life known that I am not good with my hands and I have wilfully avoided doing things that requires this type of tactile dexterity. When I found out about AS, I didn't know that it was related and I had an moment of clarity. No wonder I have had such difficulty in the past.
I went to university and went into the music program. I played the tuba and I loved it. You can say that classical music was my special or obsessive interest when I was younger. I'll talk about interests in another post. My dream was to become really good at tuba performance and eventually I wanted to go into performance and then get a job in an orchestra one day. I was decent at it and I put a lot of time into practicing. In fact, in my first year of university, more than a little pissed off when I didn't get into the top performance ensemble. I knew I was good enough but life isn't fair. I didn't let that dampen my spirits though, I just spent as much time as I could practicing. Upwards of 8 hours a day. I did get into the top ensemble in my second year at university.
There was a couple things that I was painfully aware about when I was playing my instrument. I knew that I just didn't seem to be able to get my fingers to move the valves fast enough while performing fast melodic passages. I had always attributed this to the fact that I was left handed and I was playing an instrument where the valves were manipulated with the right hand. I sometimes wished that I was a French horn player, then it wouldn't of been an issue. I offered it as an excuse to my mentor at the time. He raised a very important and obvious point, what about French horn players who are right handed and use their left hands to manipulate their valves? He suggested that French Horn players don't pick their instrument when first studying music because they are left handed. They, like all other instruments, work to overcome any deficits that they may have.
So obviously I have my work cut out for me. The solution to this problem is simple. It's called a metronome. It beats time. You play scales to the beat that you set on the metronome. When you reached a level of proficiency at one tempo, then you increase the tempo by one beat per minute. So over several hours of practice, I would be up to 90 beats per minute of playing scales two octaves. The beginning of the practice session the metronome would be set at 60 beats per minute. I would be playing 4 notes per beat. Sounds boring,... that's okay, I am good at boring.
Musicians are like athletes in this regard. They have a goal they want to achieve and they realize it that the only way that they will achieve it is to work up towards that goal step by step. I would think that athletes are hyper aware of what each muscle in their body is doing while performing in there own particular sport. Musicians are the same way. It's all about coordination. As a tuba player, I had to coordinate my articulations with my fingerings.
I was able to improve, but I never go passed a certain point. I knew that I was hopelessly uncoordinated and I couldn't improve. It was a great deal of stress for me. I will talk about stress management in another post.
I decided that going into my second year of university that my focus would be composition and not performance. I had the grades required to go into performance at the time but I chose composition instead. To explain that decision requires another post by itself.
Composition was something that intrigued me. I always liked listening to Bach. He was my favourite, and I wanted to learn how to write. I was fortunate to have some really good teachers, although I would have to say looking back, I had some strained relationships with them. I understand that it now has to do with AS.
In composition class we would come to class prepared to talk about what we had prepared that week. Of course, I had never played piano before so demonstrating what I had written was nearly impossible. Actually forget that, it wasn't nearly impossible. It was impossible. I would work hard all week on my composition, then I would come to class only to hack it to shit on the piano. I couldn't play the chords, I couldn't play in tempo, I would have to say. Imagine this chord, Imagine the tempo, Imagine the rhythm. It was hopeless. I did learn a lot, but I felt that my coordination prevented me from presenting my ideas in a way that would make sense. If it didn't make sense, then how could you offer criticism. To make matters worse, I hated having my ideas criticised. Also, when it came my turn to offer my ideas to the other composition students I was extremely stressful as well. How am I expected to offer my insights into my fellow students when I can't even play the simplest chords on the piano? Knowing what I know about my AS has let me come to understand why I had these difficulties in university. I wish I knew I had AS back then.
What I am talking about is my lack of coordination and overall clumsiness. It is almost as if I can't make hands do what I want them to do when I need to manipulate small things. Tasks that I find extremely difficult look so easy when I watch others do them. Things like tying my shoelaces, using a drill to put a screw in the wall to hang up a picture, changing my daughter's diaper and buttoning up a shirt (wrists especially). I have throughout my entire life known that I am not good with my hands and I have wilfully avoided doing things that requires this type of tactile dexterity. When I found out about AS, I didn't know that it was related and I had an moment of clarity. No wonder I have had such difficulty in the past.
I went to university and went into the music program. I played the tuba and I loved it. You can say that classical music was my special or obsessive interest when I was younger. I'll talk about interests in another post. My dream was to become really good at tuba performance and eventually I wanted to go into performance and then get a job in an orchestra one day. I was decent at it and I put a lot of time into practicing. In fact, in my first year of university, more than a little pissed off when I didn't get into the top performance ensemble. I knew I was good enough but life isn't fair. I didn't let that dampen my spirits though, I just spent as much time as I could practicing. Upwards of 8 hours a day. I did get into the top ensemble in my second year at university.
There was a couple things that I was painfully aware about when I was playing my instrument. I knew that I just didn't seem to be able to get my fingers to move the valves fast enough while performing fast melodic passages. I had always attributed this to the fact that I was left handed and I was playing an instrument where the valves were manipulated with the right hand. I sometimes wished that I was a French horn player, then it wouldn't of been an issue. I offered it as an excuse to my mentor at the time. He raised a very important and obvious point, what about French horn players who are right handed and use their left hands to manipulate their valves? He suggested that French Horn players don't pick their instrument when first studying music because they are left handed. They, like all other instruments, work to overcome any deficits that they may have.
So obviously I have my work cut out for me. The solution to this problem is simple. It's called a metronome. It beats time. You play scales to the beat that you set on the metronome. When you reached a level of proficiency at one tempo, then you increase the tempo by one beat per minute. So over several hours of practice, I would be up to 90 beats per minute of playing scales two octaves. The beginning of the practice session the metronome would be set at 60 beats per minute. I would be playing 4 notes per beat. Sounds boring,... that's okay, I am good at boring.
Musicians are like athletes in this regard. They have a goal they want to achieve and they realize it that the only way that they will achieve it is to work up towards that goal step by step. I would think that athletes are hyper aware of what each muscle in their body is doing while performing in there own particular sport. Musicians are the same way. It's all about coordination. As a tuba player, I had to coordinate my articulations with my fingerings.
I was able to improve, but I never go passed a certain point. I knew that I was hopelessly uncoordinated and I couldn't improve. It was a great deal of stress for me. I will talk about stress management in another post.
I decided that going into my second year of university that my focus would be composition and not performance. I had the grades required to go into performance at the time but I chose composition instead. To explain that decision requires another post by itself.
Composition was something that intrigued me. I always liked listening to Bach. He was my favourite, and I wanted to learn how to write. I was fortunate to have some really good teachers, although I would have to say looking back, I had some strained relationships with them. I understand that it now has to do with AS.
In composition class we would come to class prepared to talk about what we had prepared that week. Of course, I had never played piano before so demonstrating what I had written was nearly impossible. Actually forget that, it wasn't nearly impossible. It was impossible. I would work hard all week on my composition, then I would come to class only to hack it to shit on the piano. I couldn't play the chords, I couldn't play in tempo, I would have to say. Imagine this chord, Imagine the tempo, Imagine the rhythm. It was hopeless. I did learn a lot, but I felt that my coordination prevented me from presenting my ideas in a way that would make sense. If it didn't make sense, then how could you offer criticism. To make matters worse, I hated having my ideas criticised. Also, when it came my turn to offer my ideas to the other composition students I was extremely stressful as well. How am I expected to offer my insights into my fellow students when I can't even play the simplest chords on the piano? Knowing what I know about my AS has let me come to understand why I had these difficulties in university. I wish I knew I had AS back then.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Art of the Nonreciprocal Conversation. Part 2
So, I have been thinking about my last post and I just feel that as I write there are so many thoughts that go through my head about each topic and that I am bound to forget things while I write. I guess that is where editing becomes an important part of the blog writing process, but who really has time for that? I could go back and reorganize my thoughts and then present a polished entry or I could do what I think might be a little less casual and just add as I go. Of course I looked at my first blog entry called "The Discovery" and I said to myself, "I sure do like simple sentences." Simple sentences are my favourite. If I were a superhero, my name would be "Simple Sentence Man" and my arch enemy would be the subordinate clause. My weakness would be prepositional phrase. I digress. The point I am making is that I am aware that my writing needs work, but I will get better. I have so much to say right now and I will try to correct poor grammar as I go. The result is instead of getting one post about nonreciprocal conversation, you get more than one. This part will talk about stuff that I thought of after I concluded my original post.
My thought about my first post on nonreciprocal conversation was that I left you with an example of the two types of conversation, reciprocal vs nonreciprocal. But the problem I faced while at work today was that I didn't really explain what the difference was, I only gave examples. So here it is.
Reciprocal Conversation: When two or more people are talking about anything... the people engaged in the conversation are able to meet each other's input with an appropriate response based on what was last said. If a new topic is introduced, then the group of people or person involved in the discussion take that new topic and build new conversation around that. There is a synchronicity to it and it flows naturally from one topic to another in a fluid way.
Nonreciprocal Conversation: The flow of the conversation is inefficient. This is the type of conversation that I wind up in all the time. It is a dialogue that has suddenly turned into a monologue. Instead of having a balance between all the participants, the balance has shifted to one person who controls the conversation, almost like a lecture. The topic of conversation always seems to revolve around or get turned backed to what one person wants to talk about. In the example that I provided in Part 1 of this post was that I all I wanted to talk about was what I wanted for lunch. I ignored the topic that was introduced and only talked about the topic that I was interested in. A burger in that case.
So, two things that come to mind that needs to be addressed.
1. Why does it happen. Why do people like me, who have Asperger's Syndrome, tend to wind up in nonreciprocal conversation?
I have read a lot on the Internet and in books to try to figure out the answer to this question. It is not as if I want to have non reciprocating conversation with everyone I meet. Neurotypical people tend to notice this and tend to want to avoid people like this. I shouldn't say just Neurotypical people. I would say that even people with Asperger's Syndrome would want to avoid people who engage in nonreciprocating conversation. It's annoying to listen to someone who will only talk about their own interests.
The answer that I have come up with has come a few different sources and is based on my own experience. The nonreciprocating conversation from my point of view has to do with the difference between intuitive thinking and non-intuitive thinking. Intuition is something that people use when there is too much information to process to come up with an answer that is correct. I like to use a chess example. In chess the rules are simple and it is a basic game of logic. One player makes a move, then the other. If a person can make a move that leads to checkmate then the game is over and that player wins. In any given situation there when a person is thinking about a move, there are several moves that make sense. In a game there is a limited time to make these moves, and as a result only a few moves can be calculated to the end result at any given time. The player has to play what 'feels' right based on their experience. A neurotypical person engaged in conversation just goes with what 'feels' right. Their intuition lets decide how to procede in a conversation, the approriate body language is responded to efficiently, when a new topic is introduced they adjust, the balance of power is bounced around from person to person. With me, the Aspie, my intuition just sucks. It's not that I do not have intuition, it just is incorrect most of the time. I do not respond to the natural changes that occur in any conversation. I miss the queues from the people I am engaged in conversation with. If a new topic is introduced, I immediately try to steer the topic back to that I know something about. I have to use non-intuitive thinking to make it through a conversation. This is inefficient and slower. I have to calculate a series of potential responses to any given situation that arises in conversation. It is extremely exhausting to do this, I do not just 'know' what to do. I have to calculate a reaction to potential changes in the course of conversation. That is what I do if I want to have a conversation which is reciprocating. If I do not, then it is nonreciprocating.
The solution that I usually use is simple, I have to rehearse my conversations before they happen. It doesn't always prevent failure in conversation. I try to imitate the people who I think are very gifted at social interaction, even their body language, tone, and such. I play and replay conversations over and over in my mind, I lose a lot of sleep when I know I have made an error that day. I'll ask myself, what will I do different next time?
2. If I am aware of the difference and the reciprocating conversation is the desirable choice, why not just choose to do it?
The answer to this isn't that simple. I seem to be aware of what and why I make mistakes in conversation, but I am powerless to change it. I look at how natural conversations that occur between neurotypical people and I am actually amazed at how easy it seems to them. They can talk about the most boring stuff too. I don't get it. If you were to ask me about the weather, depending on my mood, I can give you a slew of answers. If I am in a good mood, then I might give a fake neurotypical response such as "It's great!" If I am tired, and I am disinterested, I might just ignore you, or I might something like, "It's there."
I mean isn't the weather "there" everyday? If for some reason it wasn't there... that would be interesting enough to talk about. I would be happy to talk about that... so last night on the news the weather man said that it wasn't there, what are your thoughts on that?
To end this post, I will post an interview with Temple Grandin. I can imagine that my conversations with people would be similar to this. Of course, this is an interview for tv, and as a result the intent by George S. is to allow Temple to speak for most of the time. The interview is intended to be nonrecipricating to begin with. I think that the points I make still reign true to an extent in this interview. Temple Grandin is the only person I know of that is famous because of her Asperger's Syndrome. In another post I will talk about people who are famous for other reasons who happen to have Asperger's Syndrome. Even though Temple Grandin is fully aware of her ASD in this video, she still makes the typical mistakes that I would make. The interupting, she introduces the topics that she wants to talk about,... not the interviewer. It's a perfect example of what a nonreciprocal conversation looks like.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwnlWX4iyj4
My thought about my first post on nonreciprocal conversation was that I left you with an example of the two types of conversation, reciprocal vs nonreciprocal. But the problem I faced while at work today was that I didn't really explain what the difference was, I only gave examples. So here it is.
Reciprocal Conversation: When two or more people are talking about anything... the people engaged in the conversation are able to meet each other's input with an appropriate response based on what was last said. If a new topic is introduced, then the group of people or person involved in the discussion take that new topic and build new conversation around that. There is a synchronicity to it and it flows naturally from one topic to another in a fluid way.
Nonreciprocal Conversation: The flow of the conversation is inefficient. This is the type of conversation that I wind up in all the time. It is a dialogue that has suddenly turned into a monologue. Instead of having a balance between all the participants, the balance has shifted to one person who controls the conversation, almost like a lecture. The topic of conversation always seems to revolve around or get turned backed to what one person wants to talk about. In the example that I provided in Part 1 of this post was that I all I wanted to talk about was what I wanted for lunch. I ignored the topic that was introduced and only talked about the topic that I was interested in. A burger in that case.
So, two things that come to mind that needs to be addressed.
1. Why does it happen. Why do people like me, who have Asperger's Syndrome, tend to wind up in nonreciprocal conversation?
I have read a lot on the Internet and in books to try to figure out the answer to this question. It is not as if I want to have non reciprocating conversation with everyone I meet. Neurotypical people tend to notice this and tend to want to avoid people like this. I shouldn't say just Neurotypical people. I would say that even people with Asperger's Syndrome would want to avoid people who engage in nonreciprocating conversation. It's annoying to listen to someone who will only talk about their own interests.
The answer that I have come up with has come a few different sources and is based on my own experience. The nonreciprocating conversation from my point of view has to do with the difference between intuitive thinking and non-intuitive thinking. Intuition is something that people use when there is too much information to process to come up with an answer that is correct. I like to use a chess example. In chess the rules are simple and it is a basic game of logic. One player makes a move, then the other. If a person can make a move that leads to checkmate then the game is over and that player wins. In any given situation there when a person is thinking about a move, there are several moves that make sense. In a game there is a limited time to make these moves, and as a result only a few moves can be calculated to the end result at any given time. The player has to play what 'feels' right based on their experience. A neurotypical person engaged in conversation just goes with what 'feels' right. Their intuition lets decide how to procede in a conversation, the approriate body language is responded to efficiently, when a new topic is introduced they adjust, the balance of power is bounced around from person to person. With me, the Aspie, my intuition just sucks. It's not that I do not have intuition, it just is incorrect most of the time. I do not respond to the natural changes that occur in any conversation. I miss the queues from the people I am engaged in conversation with. If a new topic is introduced, I immediately try to steer the topic back to that I know something about. I have to use non-intuitive thinking to make it through a conversation. This is inefficient and slower. I have to calculate a series of potential responses to any given situation that arises in conversation. It is extremely exhausting to do this, I do not just 'know' what to do. I have to calculate a reaction to potential changes in the course of conversation. That is what I do if I want to have a conversation which is reciprocating. If I do not, then it is nonreciprocating.
The solution that I usually use is simple, I have to rehearse my conversations before they happen. It doesn't always prevent failure in conversation. I try to imitate the people who I think are very gifted at social interaction, even their body language, tone, and such. I play and replay conversations over and over in my mind, I lose a lot of sleep when I know I have made an error that day. I'll ask myself, what will I do different next time?
2. If I am aware of the difference and the reciprocating conversation is the desirable choice, why not just choose to do it?
The answer to this isn't that simple. I seem to be aware of what and why I make mistakes in conversation, but I am powerless to change it. I look at how natural conversations that occur between neurotypical people and I am actually amazed at how easy it seems to them. They can talk about the most boring stuff too. I don't get it. If you were to ask me about the weather, depending on my mood, I can give you a slew of answers. If I am in a good mood, then I might give a fake neurotypical response such as "It's great!" If I am tired, and I am disinterested, I might just ignore you, or I might something like, "It's there."
I mean isn't the weather "there" everyday? If for some reason it wasn't there... that would be interesting enough to talk about. I would be happy to talk about that... so last night on the news the weather man said that it wasn't there, what are your thoughts on that?
To end this post, I will post an interview with Temple Grandin. I can imagine that my conversations with people would be similar to this. Of course, this is an interview for tv, and as a result the intent by George S. is to allow Temple to speak for most of the time. The interview is intended to be nonrecipricating to begin with. I think that the points I make still reign true to an extent in this interview. Temple Grandin is the only person I know of that is famous because of her Asperger's Syndrome. In another post I will talk about people who are famous for other reasons who happen to have Asperger's Syndrome. Even though Temple Grandin is fully aware of her ASD in this video, she still makes the typical mistakes that I would make. The interupting, she introduces the topics that she wants to talk about,... not the interviewer. It's a perfect example of what a nonreciprocal conversation looks like.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwnlWX4iyj4
Monday, January 2, 2012
The Art of the Nonreciprocal Conversation. Part 1
One of the first 'a-ha' moments leading to me to the discovery of my Asperger's Syndrome happened after I had a conversation with a friend of mine at work a few years ago. I appreciate his directness/bluntness to this day. At the time, neither one of us had ever heard about Asperger's Syndrome.
One of the key diagnostic factors of determining whether or not a person has Asperger's Syndrome is their ability to participate in what is commonly called the "Reciprocating Conversation." They are notoriously bad at it and I will explain why throughout this post and perhaps other posts in the future. They are also not good at participating in "Small talk."
So back to the conversational example that I had in mind. I met this friend of mine where I worked at the time, a night shift job, and surprisingly I was the person who initiated our first conversation. I had heard through another co-worker that he was thinking about going to the University to study music, at the same university that I had recently graduated from. Of course, I was really nervous about meeting him at first, I am always nervous about meeting new people. It went well, and we are still friends to this day.
I digressed once again, but the conversation I had in mind happened after we had been friends for quite some time. It was the first time I was forced to look at myself in an objective way.
It went like this.
My friend: So I have been reading a lot about music recording techniques recently and I have learned so much about it. I am planning on setting up my own recording studio in the future. I think it would be really great.
Me: You know,...(pause, and I stare at the ceiling) I think for lunch today I will get a bacon cheddar burger.
My friend: Wait, what!? ... What the fuck is wrong with you?
Me: Nothing,.. what are you talking about?
My friend: You just completely ignored what I was talking about, I knew someone in high school that ADD and does exactly what you just did.
Me: What did I just do?
My friend: You just ignored what I said. That is really annoying, that guy at high school who had ADD was impossible to communicate with and you do exactly what he did.
Me: I am quite positive that I do not have ADD, how can you explain how I can be competitive with Master chess players if I had ADD, it's impossible. Sorry I hurt your feelings, I think setting up a recording studio would be a great idea. You seem very confident that you can make it work.
...
OK, so that is about all I need to write in order to illustrate my point. This conversation is a perfect example of the majority of my conversations. It is what Tony Attwood, author of "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" calls the nonreciprocating conversation. What 'should' happen in any conversation with one or even a few people is what is called a reciprocating conversation.
What happens is simple, here is an example.
"Hi, how are you?"
"Good, how are you?"
"Great, did you see the news last night?"
"Yes, that's awesome that Norway won another gold medal!"
"Yes that's great, aren't Norwegians the best athletes in the world?"
"Of course, they have such a small population and they more medals than even the United States?"
"USA sucks!"
"Yup."
This kind of small talk I am positive happens all the time during the Winter Olympics. Sorry USA. The difference between this conversation and my earlier conversation is the amount of reciprocal dialogue. Neurotypical people are very good a reciprocal conversation. People like me, as well as other people with an Autism Spectrum Disorder have a great deal of difficulty with reciprocating conversation.
In my example my friend, neither one of us knew what Asperger's Syndrome was at the time. When I found out that I have Asperger's Syndrome, he was the first friend I told. It started simply.
"Hey, you remember that conversation we had a few years ago and you thought I had Attention Deficit Disorder?"
"Yeah?"
"It's not ADD, it's something called Asperger's Syndrome"
"What?"
"The reason why it is difficult for me to a conversation with a balanced exchange of dialogue is because I have Asperger's Syndrome. It's an Autism Spectrum Disorder."
The conversation continued for a long time, I talked about some diagnostic tests I had taken online and how positive I was about how all the symptoms applied to me. He asked me if I had been diagnosed. I told him no. I am still not diagnosed, but there is a lot of evidence of people who know they have it who remain undiagnosed. A part of the purpose of writing this blog is I can discuss the process of how I get diagnosed. It was one of my resolutions this year, as well as to contribute to this blog consistently.
I will leave you some reference material to conclude this post. I will without a doubt come back to certain topics such as this topic in future. I do not want to make my blog entries too long. This one will be continued and will morph into a new topic, perhaps as early as next week.
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-Aspergers-Syndrome/dp/1843106698/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325554841&sr=8-1
http://www.yourlittleprofessor.com/adhd.html
Just as a note, these two sources seem to conflict in terms of what is Asperger's Syndrome and what is Attention Deficit Disorder. "yourlittleprofessor.com" contends that Asperger's Syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder are different. Tony Attwood contends that they exist at the same time. Specifically, if someone is diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome the person should be screened for ADD as well. Of those screened for ADD, about 75 percent have ADD as well.
I have talked to a social worker recently, she did not know much about Asperger's Syndrome, but did suggest that I did exhibit signs of ADD. I know what I am. I know about the 'yourlittleprofessor.com' blog post because of that meeting with the social worker. My belief is that if I am screened for ADD, it is possible that I may have that. However, I will repeat it again, if I am screened for ADD, and I do turn out to have it,... it is in 'addition' to Asperger's Syndrome. Not instead of Asperger's Syndrome.
One of the key diagnostic factors of determining whether or not a person has Asperger's Syndrome is their ability to participate in what is commonly called the "Reciprocating Conversation." They are notoriously bad at it and I will explain why throughout this post and perhaps other posts in the future. They are also not good at participating in "Small talk."
So back to the conversational example that I had in mind. I met this friend of mine where I worked at the time, a night shift job, and surprisingly I was the person who initiated our first conversation. I had heard through another co-worker that he was thinking about going to the University to study music, at the same university that I had recently graduated from. Of course, I was really nervous about meeting him at first, I am always nervous about meeting new people. It went well, and we are still friends to this day.
I digressed once again, but the conversation I had in mind happened after we had been friends for quite some time. It was the first time I was forced to look at myself in an objective way.
It went like this.
My friend: So I have been reading a lot about music recording techniques recently and I have learned so much about it. I am planning on setting up my own recording studio in the future. I think it would be really great.
Me: You know,...(pause, and I stare at the ceiling) I think for lunch today I will get a bacon cheddar burger.
My friend: Wait, what!? ... What the fuck is wrong with you?
Me: Nothing,.. what are you talking about?
My friend: You just completely ignored what I was talking about, I knew someone in high school that ADD and does exactly what you just did.
Me: What did I just do?
My friend: You just ignored what I said. That is really annoying, that guy at high school who had ADD was impossible to communicate with and you do exactly what he did.
Me: I am quite positive that I do not have ADD, how can you explain how I can be competitive with Master chess players if I had ADD, it's impossible. Sorry I hurt your feelings, I think setting up a recording studio would be a great idea. You seem very confident that you can make it work.
...
OK, so that is about all I need to write in order to illustrate my point. This conversation is a perfect example of the majority of my conversations. It is what Tony Attwood, author of "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" calls the nonreciprocating conversation. What 'should' happen in any conversation with one or even a few people is what is called a reciprocating conversation.
What happens is simple, here is an example.
"Hi, how are you?"
"Good, how are you?"
"Great, did you see the news last night?"
"Yes, that's awesome that Norway won another gold medal!"
"Yes that's great, aren't Norwegians the best athletes in the world?"
"Of course, they have such a small population and they more medals than even the United States?"
"USA sucks!"
"Yup."
This kind of small talk I am positive happens all the time during the Winter Olympics. Sorry USA. The difference between this conversation and my earlier conversation is the amount of reciprocal dialogue. Neurotypical people are very good a reciprocal conversation. People like me, as well as other people with an Autism Spectrum Disorder have a great deal of difficulty with reciprocating conversation.
In my example my friend, neither one of us knew what Asperger's Syndrome was at the time. When I found out that I have Asperger's Syndrome, he was the first friend I told. It started simply.
"Hey, you remember that conversation we had a few years ago and you thought I had Attention Deficit Disorder?"
"Yeah?"
"It's not ADD, it's something called Asperger's Syndrome"
"What?"
"The reason why it is difficult for me to a conversation with a balanced exchange of dialogue is because I have Asperger's Syndrome. It's an Autism Spectrum Disorder."
The conversation continued for a long time, I talked about some diagnostic tests I had taken online and how positive I was about how all the symptoms applied to me. He asked me if I had been diagnosed. I told him no. I am still not diagnosed, but there is a lot of evidence of people who know they have it who remain undiagnosed. A part of the purpose of writing this blog is I can discuss the process of how I get diagnosed. It was one of my resolutions this year, as well as to contribute to this blog consistently.
I will leave you some reference material to conclude this post. I will without a doubt come back to certain topics such as this topic in future. I do not want to make my blog entries too long. This one will be continued and will morph into a new topic, perhaps as early as next week.
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-Aspergers-Syndrome/dp/1843106698/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325554841&sr=8-1
http://www.yourlittleprofessor.com/adhd.html
Just as a note, these two sources seem to conflict in terms of what is Asperger's Syndrome and what is Attention Deficit Disorder. "yourlittleprofessor.com" contends that Asperger's Syndrome and Attention Deficit Disorder are different. Tony Attwood contends that they exist at the same time. Specifically, if someone is diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome the person should be screened for ADD as well. Of those screened for ADD, about 75 percent have ADD as well.
I have talked to a social worker recently, she did not know much about Asperger's Syndrome, but did suggest that I did exhibit signs of ADD. I know what I am. I know about the 'yourlittleprofessor.com' blog post because of that meeting with the social worker. My belief is that if I am screened for ADD, it is possible that I may have that. However, I will repeat it again, if I am screened for ADD, and I do turn out to have it,... it is in 'addition' to Asperger's Syndrome. Not instead of Asperger's Syndrome.
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