Lack of Coordination and Overall Clumsiness.

So I am trying to understand why I am different and this requires me to try to obtain as much information as possible. The internet wasn't around when I was young, I couldn't look up things I wanted to learn about as easily as it is today. I know I have AS so I just am obsessed with finding out as much information as I can about it. Not all of the things about AS has to do directly with how I communicate with the people around me. I determined that I had AS basically because I know I can't seem to understand what the intent of other people are while I communicate with them. I don't understand how the emotions that they express with their faces synchronize with what they are saying. I am blind to non-verbal communication. This is something I will talk about in depth in another post. Today I would like to talk about something that surprised me about people with AS that doesn't apply directly to communication. When I read about it in "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood, I knew immediately that it applied to me as well.
What I am talking about is my lack of coordination and overall clumsiness. It is almost as if I can't make hands do what I want them to do when I need to manipulate small things. Tasks that I find extremely difficult look so easy when I watch others do them. Things like tying my shoelaces, using a drill to put a screw in the wall to hang up a picture, changing my daughter's diaper and buttoning up a shirt (wrists especially). I have throughout my entire life known that I am not good with my hands and I have wilfully avoided doing things that requires this type of tactile dexterity. When I found out about AS, I didn't know that it was related and I had an moment of clarity. No wonder I have had such difficulty in the past.
I went to university and went into the music program. I played the tuba and I loved it. You can say that classical music was my special or obsessive interest when I was younger. I'll talk about interests in another post. My dream was to become really good at tuba performance and eventually I wanted to go into performance and then get a job in an orchestra one day. I was decent at it and I put a lot of time into practicing. In fact, in my first year of university, more than a little pissed off when I didn't get into the top performance ensemble. I knew I was good enough but life isn't fair. I didn't let that dampen my spirits though, I just spent as much time as I could practicing. Upwards of 8 hours a day. I did get into the top ensemble in my second year at university.
There was a couple things that I was painfully aware about when I was playing my instrument. I knew that I just didn't seem to be able to get my fingers to move the valves fast enough while performing fast melodic passages. I had always attributed this to the fact that I was left handed and I was playing an instrument where the valves were manipulated with the right hand. I sometimes wished that I was a French horn player, then it wouldn't of been an issue. I offered it as an excuse to my mentor at the time. He raised a very important and obvious point, what about French horn players who are right handed and use their left hands to manipulate their valves? He suggested that French Horn players don't pick their instrument when first studying music because they are left handed. They, like all other instruments, work to overcome any deficits that they may have.
So obviously I have my work cut out for me. The solution to this problem is simple. It's called a metronome. It beats time. You play scales to the beat that you set on the metronome. When you reached a level of proficiency at one tempo, then you increase the tempo by one beat per minute. So over several hours of practice, I would be up to 90 beats per minute of playing scales two octaves. The beginning of the practice session the metronome would be set at 60 beats per minute. I would be playing 4 notes per beat. Sounds boring,... that's okay, I am good at boring.
Musicians are like athletes in this regard. They have a goal they want to achieve and they realize it that the only way that they will achieve it is to work up towards that goal step by step. I would think that athletes are hyper aware of what each muscle in their body is doing while performing in there own particular sport. Musicians are the same way. It's all about coordination. As a tuba player, I had to coordinate my articulations with my fingerings.
I was able to improve, but I never go passed a certain point. I knew that I was hopelessly uncoordinated and I couldn't improve. It was a great deal of stress for me. I will talk about stress management in another post.
I decided that going into my second year of university that my focus would be composition and not performance. I had the grades required to go into performance at the time but I chose composition instead. To explain that decision requires another post by itself.
Composition was something that intrigued me. I always liked listening to Bach. He was my favourite, and I wanted to learn how to write. I was fortunate to have some really good teachers, although I would have to say looking back, I had some strained relationships with them. I understand that it now has to do with AS.
In composition class we would come to class prepared to talk about what we had prepared that week. Of course, I had never played piano before so demonstrating what I had written was nearly impossible. Actually forget that, it wasn't nearly impossible. It was impossible. I would work hard all week on my composition, then I would come to class only to hack it to shit on the piano. I couldn't play the chords, I couldn't play in tempo, I would have to say. Imagine this chord, Imagine the tempo, Imagine the rhythm. It was hopeless. I did learn a lot, but I felt that my coordination prevented me from presenting my ideas in a way that would make sense. If it didn't make sense, then how could you offer criticism. To make matters worse, I hated having my ideas criticised. Also, when it came my turn to offer my ideas to the other composition students I was extremely stressful as well. How am I expected to offer my insights into my fellow students when I can't even play the simplest chords on the piano? Knowing what I know about my AS has let me come to understand why I had these difficulties in university. I wish I knew I had AS back then.