Today I would like to talk about the one the most important factors about what it is like to have AS. Back when I was young, the term AS did not even exist which is part of the reason why I didn't know that I have had it my whole life. I knew I was different, but I didn't know why or how. As I was gathering as much information about AS as I could, there was one thing that struck me immediately. That, of course, are special or obsessive interests.
I can remember that my first special interest was Dungeons and Dragons. It was a time when video games weren't available. I used to read the rules and I can still remember all the attributes that the characters had. Each character would have a value attributed to strength, intelligence, wisdom, dexterity, constitution and charisma. You would roll three six sided dice to determine the value of each and it would determine how your character would react in any role playing situation. I also remember in one of my rule books there was a system devised where you can basically make a dungeon and come up with your own little world based on some dice rolls that you made as you go. I loved it and I would play it for hours and hours killing away the day. It was a way for me to make a world where I would be popular and powerful, the opposite of what the real world reality was for me.
As I went from elementary school to junior high school a new interest emerged. I didn't want to join the band in junior high school because I knew that I would eventually have to perform on stage. I can't stand being on stage and I knew that I would not enjoy it. However, I forced into it because I did not have enough space to fill out my options with what I wanted to take. So band it was and I started on the euphonium. By grade nine I was playing the tuba. I remember it vividly today when I was first exposed to classical music. I was in grade eight when we were rehearsing a horrendous version of Beethoven's "Pathetique Sonata" arranged for band. I loved it, and then I realized that I loved Bach as well. I remember pressuring my dad to take me to the music store, A&A records and tapes, and while he was looking through the tapes at classic rock albums, I was in the classical section trying to figure out what my first album would be. The first classical music album I got was called "Bach's Greatest Hits." The second album I got maybe a week later was a Canadian Brass tape called "The Art of Fugue." So when I was in grade eight, about 13 years old, my favourite and only type of music that I would listen to became Bach. This was at the time when "DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince" had a very popular song out called "Parents Just don't Understand." Anyways, it is interesting to think about it now. Back in junior high and high school, I seemed to be interested in things that would be put on the edge of the social hierarchy. It's hard to be popular when you play the tuba and listen to classical music, when everyone else is out dating and listening to "Metallica" and smoking pot.
It is interesting to note that my interest in classical music and playing the tuba wasn't something that took up my free time. It was not as if I had a spare hour here and there where I would just fill it with practicing or listening to my growing tape collection. It basically saturated all my time and if I was given and opportunity, I would blab on and on about it, not realizing that the people around me would quickly grow tired of what I was saying about it. I remember, I would start memorizing where all the tuba solos were in the pieces of music that I was listening to. I would listen to the same piece continuously throughout the entire day on my Walkman. I would never get tired of it. In fact, if I had to stop devoting time to my interest, I would get extremely irritable.
In high school I knew that I had made a decision that I would eventually want to be a professional tuba player in an orchestra. In an earlier post about clumsiness, I figured out that even though I spent as much time as possible to practicing, the reality of succeeding at this goal was extremely low. There were other factors that I will talk about in another post, but in my mind based on the information that I knew, the honest reality was that I was not good enough. It was extremely stressful. I knew by then also that I had no interest in teaching because I had had some particularly bad experiences with it. I couldn't quite figure out why, but I had a difficult time dealing with younger kids when I was trying to teach them how to play there instruments. As the principal tuba player in my second year of university in our ensemble, we would be expected to do clinics for junior high and high school children. Basically we would get paid to help the kids learn the fingerings of there instruments and demonstrate proper player technique so that they could sound better playing in there junior high, or high school band. I hated it so much, I could never really express what needed to be said in order for the students to understand what I meant. There was no connection. This was the opposite of what it was like when I was being taught by own mentor. Even though I had a lot more knowledge than any of the students that I had ever taught, I was unable to transfer that knowledge in any meaningful way.
After I got my degree in music composition I was so stress out. I haven't written anything. I was thankful that that part of my life was done. Since my discovery of AS I have had a lot of grief about what I have done since University. Most people go to school, get their degree, and then plan to move and work in the industry that they studied in. This is not the case with me. My discovery of my own AS has changed that a little bit. I now am getting back into composing. I have this great idea for a solo percussionist that I can visualize very accurately. I am now composing it for me. If no one performs it, that is okay. The piece although, not complete yet, will be about twenty minutes long and because I am not writing it for an project at university, it can be whatever I want. Since there is no pressure, I am hoping this will allow me to actually write it. I have been procrastinating even though I do think about it everyday.
It is clear that I can blog about my interests for quite some time. There may have to be more parts to this post. One of the things that made me think that I may not have AS was the fact that my special interest did change over time. I went from "Dungeons and Dragons" to "Classical Music" to other interests and then back again. In another post, I will talk about why they change, why they are part of AS. What makes my interests different then the interests a Neurotypical person would have.
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